Gosh. My spring break had ups and downs but over all it was good. I got to see most of my friends and hang out with my family. I would update about it but I'm here to write my frustrations with my science class.

My professor is alright, but I feel like he doesn't explain things very well. He tells us interesting things on how the formulas came about and how they are used today, but I don't feel like I get all the information that I need. I take notes, write down everything he puts on the board and often times what he is saying. I pulled out the homework that is due tomorrow (it's 20 points) I should have done it when this stuff was fresh in my mind but all I was worried about was my Thursday class and then heading home for spring break. Now I've been trying to work on this stupid work sheet with 5 problems and 4 problems out of the book for over an hour now and I just can't seem to figure anything out!!! I'm so pissed at myself for not doing it when it was fresh in my mind, but I'm also pissed the my professor doesn't refer to page numbers, doesn't give a full amount of notes (other students agree) and doesn't explain what numbers in a formula mean. Gah! I have the biggest head ache right now and my only solutions are to go to the math and science lab for help which I chickened out on doing. I emailed a fellow student hoping she would understand what she was doing and we could work on it tomorrow before class.. And I am going in the 40 minutes between his morning class and my class to have him help me with all of this. I just feel so uneducated right now. It's a higher level science, and I didn't great on the last test (there is another in 2 weeks) but I feel like I won't know what the hell I'm doing and I will mess up this homework, the next few quizzes and not do well on this homework. I'm not afraid to ask for help, I just hate not knowing even the least bit of what I'm doing. It's hard for me to comprehend. I feel like screaming and I really don't want to go to my 5 o'clock class because it is a total waste of my time. I have to revise my script for Thursday and also do 3 more evaluations. The work load is getting heavier.. or I'm just slacking off too much. I need to catch up on homework and study my ass off. I don't want to lose it all this second half of the semester.

I hope that all made sense. I didn't realize how much I typed until I finished. Wish me luck and I hope everything is going well for everyone else!!

 [Warning: This entry may contain words and subjects scary to the common readers. Please read with caution and understand that Whitney has taken a lot of shit in her life and likes to vent. Thank you for your kind understanding -The Management]


I hate boys. (No offence Matty, I still like you!)

Tim isn't who/what I thought he was going to be. I shouldn't have put so much behind the idea of me and him. Things got a little further than they should have and I stopped it before it got too far. The next day he text me.. the conversation went a little like this..

TIM:Hey whitney, we really need to slow down with the kissing thing. I still hardly know u and im still getting over my other relationship this summer.
ME:that’s fine. I don’t want to rush anything. I’m dealing with past relationship things too. I understand.
TIM:Just for the record were still friends
ME:just friends?
TIM:Yeah…

At this point I started bawling my eyes out for what I see now was a no good reason. I ran up to Leah's room and sobbed into her shoulder. I told her what happened and she reassured me it wasn't anything that I said or did. We both agreed that it was kind of really sudden and weird because he was the one making all the moves forward. WTF?! I texted him later to see what the deal was..

ME:Can I just ask why the sudden change in thought?
TIM:I thought it was like that from the start
ME:Oh.
TIM:Im sorry if I lead you on. I still to cuddle
ME:But why do that if there isn’t a change for a relationship?
TIM:Why won’t do that. If u don’t want to then that’s fine
ME:I don’t know. This is all kind of confusing. I don’t know how I’m feeling to be honest.
TIM:What do u mean
ME:Things got further than I expected, you fully understood, we were having a good time, I thought.. And then you just tell me we can only be just friends. It was a big hit.
TIM:What’s wrong with a cuddling buddy
ME:Nothing. I just connected that with emotions I guess.
TIM:What do u mean
ME:If I cuddle with someone I usually do it because there’s more than just friendship there. I guess.
TIM:Oh
ME:It’s weird I guess…
TIM:Well do u not want to see me then
ME:No. I do.
TIM:Ok

I saw him on the elevator with some of the guys that he hangs out with and that I know. I was thinking "shit.. Shit. SHIT!" but then he gave me a hug and talked to me a little bit and it wasn't to bad. It actually made me feel better.

Then today I got woken up to a text at 7:45 am from him.. The texting went like this.

TIM: Here r a couple of things about me u prob should know. Im 20 going on 21 in april. I started school late. If we do decide to be in a relationship i loe to cuddle and kiss alot. I am also very sexual meaning there will be times i'll be all over u wanting sex. Im a very horny guy bit i can control it. I dont know if you ur up for that or not.
ME: Well, I like kissing and cuddling but I'm not ready for sexual things. Like I said before I kind of have some issues with it. My past likes to haunt me. So if you want a lot of sexual things I'm sorry.
TIM:Ok. thats fine
ME:It's that Ok thats fine, you can deal or ok thats fine you can't deal?
TIM:Cant deal, but i still want to talk and hang out

On the way back from class I decided that I effing hate James because he has scared me and what he did to me haunts me now. Everytime I think about getting close with someone I can't break the thought that they are going to be using me and then ditch me when they are done. I can't get close to guys now without wondering what their alternative motives might be. I want to hurt him so bad for all the shtuff and pain he has brought on to me. I don't even have any tears or sorrow right now. I just have raw aggression and I want to throw things and break things and scream and let the world know that boys are effing a-holes. Always and forever I will I hate James, if not before now, in this moment I will never forgive him. Ever.